Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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