Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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