i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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