nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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