There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
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I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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