That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
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They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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