I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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