Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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