How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
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My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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