I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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