smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
farters have to be the big spoon...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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