i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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