my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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