Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
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He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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