I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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