I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize