my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
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I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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