god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize