just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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