I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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