Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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