I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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