Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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