Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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