I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize