My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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