dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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