My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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