i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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Can you bring me the toilet please
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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