i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
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I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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