I'm so fucking centered right now
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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