Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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