this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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