First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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