I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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