Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize