I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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