you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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