So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
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I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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