I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
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i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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