You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
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With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize