Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize