Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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