Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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