So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
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You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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