The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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