found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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