dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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