I faked an abortion last night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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