i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
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Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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